Commissioner's Corner

The make of most men's hockey teams ...

There are hundreds, possibly thousands, of Captains across the United States

that will be making personnel decisions in time for the
dawn of a new rec hockey season.  Granted, the majority of these
Captains  are in charge of teams with names like 'Old Puckers, 'Rusty
Blades',  'Just the Tips' and 'Nine-Inch Males,' "Shirt Shop," "Boomers,

"Silver Slipper," "Lucky Strike," "Jocs n Docs," but don't be fooled;
beer-league  hockey squads can be downright tricky to put together. As
with any  successful organization, you need the right mix, and that
means drafting  from the following beer-league player categories:

Do we have some of these profiles?????/
   
 
   The Ringer
   ----------------
 Some teams wait until the playoffs to unveil this option. Others go
with  it right from the opening face-off. Either way, without a ringer,
your  team is done. The challenge for managers is convincing a good
player to  suit up for a bad side.  This can be accomplished a number of
ways,  including promises of goal-scoring glory and awe-inspired
teammates. Most  effective, however, is let him play for free. It's
simple math, really.
 Everyone else pays an extra $50 and everyone else gets a shot at
winning.
 
 
   The YoungGuy
   --------------------
 At first glance, he can easily be mistaken for a ringer, since the
young  guy still wears the shorts and socks of his junior or college
team. But  it's time for the next phase of life now, and that means an
office job.
 The young guy stays in shape for the first half of the year. Sadly, an
increasingly sedentary existence and late night partying catches up to
him  by Christmas. 15 to 20 pounds later, he's just another player,
huffing and  puffing with the rest. Welcome aboard, kid.
 
 
   The Old Guy
   -----------------
 Forget the 50-and-over league; that's not for him...even though his
gloves  reach up to his armpits, and he still uses a wood stick. To be
fair, the  old guy can be an effective player, especially if he's a wily
old guy - a  hook here and a chop there, because that's how they did it
when  professional athletes were real men. 'Eddie Shore -- now there was
a hockeyplayer! Lost an ear against the Maroons. Sewed it back on
himself.  Never missed a shift.'
 
 
   The Tardy Goalie
   -----------------------
 Hey, thanks for showing up. Only five minutes gone in the first. Not
like  you play a crucial position or anything. Take your time, dickhead.
 
 
 

  The Beginner
   ------------------
 Required only for cheap laughs. On the one hand, you have to admire the
beginner. It takes a lot of courage to buy all brand new equipment, and
 take up hockey in your 40's.   On the other hand, learn to take a pass,

 man. It's right on your stick, for Christ's sake. How does that knock
you  over? And now you're friggin offside! Not to mention the Beginner
shows up  at every game, no matter what time or what day. Sunday night
playoff game  at 11PM - no worries, Mr Beginner will be there.
 
 
   The Complete Psycho
   -------------------------------
 Also good for a few giggles . . . from afar. Most likely a cop or
fireman.
 The complete psycho is capable of anything: running the goalie,
challenging an entire bench, a tomahawk chop -- all in the repertoire.
Do  not feed the complete psycho. He doesn't want to be fed. He wants to
hunt.
 And, look to him to carry on his act in the bar after the game.
 
 
   The Naked Guy
   ---------------------
 Bane of the dressing room. Most players have the courtesy to stretch
their hamstrings while sporting, at the very least, a bit of underwear.  Not
the naked guy. He'll carry on full conversations, and you had better
maintain eye contact like your life depended on it....or come face to face with
the  swinging sausage.
 
 
   The Guy with the New Girlfriend
   -------------------------------------------
 An excellent way to lower everyone else's fees is to load up on a few
of these. The guy with the new girlfriend will show up to three games,
tops,  so his payment will contribute to everyone else's and it's not like
you'll  lose ice time by putting him on the roster.   That said, beware that
the guy with the new girlfriend might very well turn into the guy with the
new wife...at which point he'll never miss another game.
 
 
   The Organizer
   -------------------
 This guy is absolutely brutal but since nobody else could be bothered
to do all the paperwork and collect the money he gets to play. Is
frustrating to play with because they can barely skate let alone take a pass but
 nobody gets mad at him cuz he's a really nice guy. Is often heard in
the dressing room saying 'Sorry guys, that one was my fault' and if he's
lucky  somebody will chip in something like 'No worries Dale, it's a team
 effort.'  What everybody is really thinking is 'Hey Dale, my
grandmother is a better player than you and yes you are right, that was your
fault.'  If you are lucky the Organizer is usually smart enough to take himself
off the ice in critical situations.
 
 
  

 The Minor Hockey Allstar
   ---------------------------------
 Looks promising at a glance as they fool you with reasonably good
skills but after you get zero passes you'll get the picture. This guy topped
out at 'AA' Midget and can be spotted by the huge blinders attached to his
 helmet. Play is characterized by energetic rushes down the wing, (no
 passing), then into the corner (still no pass), behind the net (hey
 dickhead I've been open for the past 5 minutes),then into the next
corner (everybody has gone back to the bench to watch) followed by a blind
give away pass to the high slot / break out pass for the other team.  Cut
this guy.
 
 
   The Johnny Try Hard
   ----------------------------
 Great to have on your team but they suck to play against because they
have somehow managed to keep themselves in ridiculously good shape. They
were probably the star on their high school hockey team and won athlete of
the year because they played hockey, volleyball and track all in the same
 year. Guaranteed they have a membership at the 'Running Room'. Play is
 characterized by constant hustle which if caught off guard can
 embarrass the more talented yet fatter player.
 
 
   The Stanley Cup Champion
   -------------------------------------
 This player will raise their hands and cheer when they score. If this
is an opposing player you must nip this behavior in the bud by catching
him off guard with a sickening open ice hit that causes him to blow snot
 bubbles. If this player is on your team quickly chastise him in front
of the other team to let them know that this is not how the rest of your
team rolls. Remind him how much of a loser he is by retrieving the puck from
 the net the next time he scores and presenting it to him in front of
the other team.

 
   The Tough Guy
   ---------------------
 This guy maxed out at the house-league level, has never been in a fight
 and is characterized by antagonizing behaviour on the ice. In extreme
 cases he will 'cheap shot' another player. The fact that your beer
league does not allow fighting has given this guy a false sense of courage.
What this guy does not realize is that this will not prevent someone from
 knocking his teeth out if he cheap shots the wrong guy.  There is a
number of fun ways to handle this player which all end with him lying on the
ice bleeding, looking for his teeth and crying.
 
 
   The Wrong Guy
   ---------------------
 Not to be confused with 'The Complete Psycho'. This guy shows up,
doesn't  say much and pretty much flies under the radar screen. The kid that
gave  him the cheap shot him will eventually look his name up on Hockey DB
after  his facial surgery and realize he had 355 pims in the East Cost 3 years
 ago.